Alright y’all, so I’m not going to lie and say I’ve had some spiritual epiphany or I’ve had a sudden moment of enlightenment. And I’m not totally sure if I’m disappointed by that or not. When we (people) start these documented journeys, we always expect something great to happen overnight. As if God is going to grant you the one miracle or wish you’ve been praying for over the last 3 months to appear just because you committed to a spiritual journal. AS IF!
One thing that I can say about the last 24 hours though is that I’m coming into my faith more and more. They say crazy faith looks like insanity to onlookers but to God, it’s like you’ve finally given in. And bruh, I’m trying my damndest to give in. I’m talking wholly giving in. Emotionally, physically, financially giving in. It’s easy to say “I have faith” when you have a backup plan right? When you know that if you fall flat on your face you always have that one option to pick you up? Well, I don’t have a backup plan. And in total transparency – I haven’t worked since June 21. Originally, it was because of my employers inability to accommodate my pregnancy. Now it’s because I feel deep down in my soul that God is telling me to hold on. I have no clue what is in store for me and while that kills me some days, I’m practicing crazy faith.
I was having dinner with some girlfriends and as I’m telling them about the countless applications I’ve put in, the 5 interviews I’ve had, and how I’ve been rejected by each and every one of those employers, I settled with the thought of sitting still. I had already spoken to Marlon (bae), my accountability partners, and I had my dad pray over my situation. Each of us concluded that I needed to be still and let God pave the way. But after a month of rejection and feeling defeated, I was beginning to second guess it. Maybe I chose to stay home because of the baby. Maybe I’m misunderstanding what God is trying to tell me. Maybe my selfishness is taking over my thought process.
So as I was saying, last night during this conversation, I truly settled with waiting. Not to brag, but I have some legit experience in my career field. And I know I can do each and every one of those jobs I applied to in my sleep. And most importantly, God knows my capabilities better than I do. So how come I keep getting turned down? It has to be for some purpose right? I am practicing crazy faith.