Sometimes I feel like the jokes on me. Like when I decide to choose a different path than those before me or my peers, it can feel as if I’m the butt end of failure. Especially when the path I am choosing defies everything I worked so hard for and the big picture seems nonexistent. I have to remind myself that when a person takes on a task such as crazy faith, there is always a bigger picture. No, I may not be able to describe what this Picasso will look like or even tell you what the theme of the picture will be BUT I can tell you there is greatness being created and you just have to stick around to see.
My pregnancy was the beginning of an end. I had been playing with the idea of finding a new job prior to finding out about the pregnancy. I had decided to put off job searching due to my baby girls anticipated arrival. Then during my pregnancy I started feeling anxious and doubtful of my surroundings. It felt as if my spirit was saying don’t get too comfortable. I started toying with the idea of starting anew. Leaving behind things I was no longer at total peace with. And when I went on my official maternity leave, it became very clear the things I would be letting go.
As some of you may know, I was a member of the Queenin Podcast. This project was dear to me as I had been wanting to do a podcast for a year or so prior to Queenin coming out. So imagine how elated I was to finally be getting it off the ground with other women who I loved and valued. Be that as it may, the podcast was one of the things I felt my spirit telling me I would have to let go. And I fought it. I mean, I was a founding member and things were really starting to take off for the show. Plus, we had just hit our 1 year anniversary so why would I quit now? But at some point during my pregnancy I started to feel uncomfortable with the show and I couldn’t pinpoint the reason. I chunked it to hormones and kept working. It wasn’t until a few months after I had Cairo that I finally caved. And now that I’ve officially “resigned”, I feel that maybe I had to let it go in order for everyone involved to blossom. The ladies of Queenin are taking the show to the next level and I am proud of what they are doing. But the show just didn’t seem to be for me anymore.
Another thing that my spirit had been pressing on was my job. It was like a full circle had been made and I was back at that same place pre-pregnancy. Unfortunately, things at my job didn’t go as well as I would have wanted during my pregnancy and I think this was the big push for me to realize. So when it was time for me to return to work after my leave, I spoke with my VP and she called me out on my doubts. After we had our initial conversation about returning, my VP said that she could hear it in my voice that I wasn’t ready to come back. She told me that she was willing to make the calls necessary IF that’s what I wanted but she could tell that something wasn’t sitting right. And she couldn’t have been more spot on. I had been contemplating returning to my job for the money but how could I suppress the obvious? I knew I didn’t want to return to a job, only to be able to give basic effort at best.
I feel like my spirit is going through a cleanse. Some people do fasts to break habits or prepare themselves for their purpose. I think God just pulled me away cold turkey because he knew I’d never let go on my own. There was no way I’d quit my podcast without my pregnancy starting the initial break and the same goes for my job. I am a stickler for stability (blame my upbringing) so I don’t like to waver too much. And when I do, I throw everything in the and let God sort it out accordingly. He’s doing just that. So here’s to this spiritual cleanse!